grape hyacinths.

madly madly i feel for you.

if only my lips could produce such verse and sonnet, but woe, i lack the precise and eloquent vocabulary that you so nobly grasp.

oh how i long to be the lashes upon your eyelids that i might catch a glimpse of how you look out upon this green evanescence.

you sir, without any realization or blink, have captured it all—the air, the depth, the vastness.

be so kind as to bestow a word upon my porcelain fingertip so that i may gingerly press it to my feeble lip.

madly madly i am in a daze.

swirled into the rush, i have yet to notice.

come, ever so gently, and trace the unformed wrinkles that lie dormant.

madly madly i fell for you.

english class.

let your eyes see beyond the dirt coating worn hands, rough feet, and unfashionable clothes to avoid initial incorrect judgments.

let your ears listen patiently past the slopping mud, foreign tongues, and stark silence to hear the muffled cries and tear down your unfaltering walls.

let your hands reach out and touch with gentle strength the unclean, discarded, and abandoned knowing this is your greatest calling.

and let your heart embrace with utmost fullness those who are pushed to the sidelines of this life, to follow a sanction placed upon your soul, to empty and cast off your identity and illuminate Him to all. Amen.

ham and cheese stories.

She sat on the cliff’s edge, worried of the looming depths below. But that villain, fear, did not kidnap her in this moment. Just inches from her body sat the boy, the boy whose voice was a distant memory and yet a comforting guidepost. The soft warm green and white flannel gently clung to his body, matched by the worn through cobalt blue vans sneakers. They rested on a hand-woven Mexican blanket smelling of years of bonfires, s’mores, and laughter. During the anticipation, the boy spoke ham and cheese stories, the ones that have been tasted hundreds of times yet have never become musty or rotten. You might see these stories as simple, you might see this moment as simple, you might see this boy as simple. But this regular boy, with faded sneakers and outdated jeans, represented possibility, a beautiful possibility. She quickly smiled and shifted her gaze from his mystic blue gray eyes onto the displayed explosions of color and fire before them. She longed to be nowhere but here, for here was her textbook independence day.

remarkable.

the word so many have described my transformation from may till now. 4.5 months, can it really happen that fast? is it truly that noticeable? my Lord, you are the sole reason. you have not relented the pursuit of my heart. you are the sole reason i live, i love. i praise you Father. my heart is eternally yours. you are burning, burning, burning inside of me and i cannot contain it. i must share this indescribable love and mercy you poured over me. i hear/feel/taste the calling you are put on my heart. send me out.

rough drafted memories.

the small, orange flower barrette placed delicately but precisely in her long, espresso colored locks caught my eye immediately. this young girl of only ten years offered me the twin to her precious treasure. i proudly place this two-dollar barrette in my own dirty blonde hair. we try to smile through this realization--this is our goodbye. elephant-sized tears start to flood out of her deep chocolate eyes. in a split-second, she is in my arms. a crowbar could not separate us. as we embrace, i offer up the few feeble words of love and encouragement i can scramble to find. i feel protective, i feel motherly, i feel angry, i feel brokenhearted by the pain and abuse i know she has intensely felt and experienced. my heart longs to capture her out of this inexpressible danger and rescue her like the princess she is. our goodbye is ending and i am conscious of that terrible truth that this may very well be the last time we embrace. i strongly whisper my love to her in the last seconds. releasing her, i notice we are mirror images of each other--priceless orange barrettes and elephant tears worn with regal pride.

joy:

...the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure. through the midst of this strife and worry, i feel joy. brimming full, overflowing, pouring out of my pores. vampire weekend sings it well “here comes a feeling you thought you’d forgotten”. for years i let my knack for self-pity and depression control every move and thought. i couldn’t function or smile without guilt and shame. i longed to crawl into a corner and “cry tears like diamonds” (thanks passion pit). but He came. He stooped down to my little corner, pulled me onto His lap and cried with me. that’s how I knew. no one else had dragged themselves to my level. but He knew. and now I no longer crave that tiny, dark, invisible corner. I crave His living, breathing, loving, joyful, merciful lap. I crave Him.

can i just say

that i love you

a lot.

meditate

Luke 9:23-25

"then he said to them all: 'if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. for whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. what good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?"

when i lose i find my identity.

stable

the only stability in my life is God. even here, God will bring me joy in the midst of this wreck. only He can set me free from this prison of shame

lessons

God-
You're teaching me some BIG lessons for such a small person. thank You for trusting me with such important truths and removing the scales from my eyes. i learn slowly but i learn deeply.

always Yours.

inability

i feel completely unable to handle any of this.

i need God.

irritations

i’m tired of this fickle, inconsistent, flip-floppy game that so many play.

isn’t anyone dependable these days?

forgiveness.

alone in that little black car for a 360 mile stretch, i was able to forgive.
to relinquish that burden of bitterness,
and grasp onto God's sweet, sweet love in its stead.

conversations with friends

as we talked today it became apparent to both of us: we are totally and completely oblivious to our own sins.

jesus can i have your lenses to examine my life? please reveal the darkest areas of my heart so that i can become more and more like you.

july 19-23, 2010

5 days is all it took to change my life forever.

lightning.

boy,
can we sit on a creaky porch and watch a lightning storm, marveling at its sheer vastness compared to our tiny selves?
can we be spontaneous and do crazy adventurous things that i would be afraid to do alone?
can we spend a whole day doing absolutely nothing except laughing at jokes that only we find funny?
can we go to a ton of sports games (football of course) and cheer so loudly we lose our voices?
can we truly live every moment and treasure the ones we share?

i sure hope so.

books books books

to read: jane eyre, the bell jar, franny & zooey, lucky, of mice and men, all quiet on the western front, tender is the night, a moveable feast, tales of a female nomad, loves executioner, atlas shrugged, and many many more.

currently reading: of love and shadows.

maybe one day i can stop being busy for a week or two and simply read. maybe.

today, i am

completely and utterly addicted:
jamming to blues' brothers with my dad,
sun hats,
fortune cookies,
dandelion wishes,
and
isabel allende's imagination.

thoughts: 6-25-10

these small gaps have consistently grown into deep chasms. i've pushed and i've pulled myself away from so many. labeling has proven to be an issue:

is this rash or justified?

is this newfound intolerance selfish or mature?

i feel like a child without object permanence. with my eyes closed the world can't see me. i'm hidden.

my vulnerability disappears for a split second.

when my eyelids begin to peek open, the weight of my surroundings flood me. quickly i return to my hiding place, but it lingers like the flash of a camera.

caught.

you caught my eye with your color and fresh simplicity.

you caught my ear with your contagious laughter and quick wit.

you caught my attention with your oddities and carefree quirks.

you caught my interest with your obsessions and overflowing thoughtfulness.

careful, you are about to catch my heart.

adulthood.

saying goodbye to my teenage years soon. i guess it's time to be mature.

redredred.

i've always been proud of my virgin hair color

(and terrified to dye it).

but now i'm craving this change.

crazy? perhaps.

maybe i'll find the guts to actually do it.

snowboarding

fat, painful bruises
plastered smiles
cursing, cursing, cursing
panicking fear
blinding white
ice, powder, slush
soothing voices
click-clicking of bindings
rickety chairs
too high! too high!
speed
adrenaline
ouch.
new found love.

my day.

5am wake up call.

austen's persuasion.

vivacious laughter with new friends (senior men's club tennis).

daddy's sweatshirt.

piano please.

hours upon hours of closet organization.

puppy play time.

sing sing sing.

musical therapy.

perfection.

new walking shoes.

i'm not allowed to miss you.
a few split seconds must satisfy me,
i'm forbidden more.
my heart beats louder and louder still
praying that maybe you'll notice.
just a glance is all i need,
basic survival needs right?
the peripheral stuff (love and attention) is
unnecessary.
hearts grow accustomed, kind of like new walking shoes.
so please, dont give me more than a glance
i'm not allowed to miss you for more.

train ride 2-9-10

i'm a fearful creature.

a wild thing lurking through the dark underbrush.

eyes wideset in fear and disillusion

a barrier stands.

fortressing me in, in, in.

there's safety here (pleads my consciousness).

truths and falsities pour out of your lips so easily,

where's the distinction?

quote obsessed.

You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

-Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

today

i am halfway done with college.

and it feels good.

YES.

i am officially going to the Mediterranean for next spring semester 2011.

France, Italy, Spain, Syria, Turkey, Jordan, Israel/Palestine.

yes please.

gratitude

my lips cannot cease thanking You my Lord.

Your goodness has left me awestruck.

my feeble words strive to exult You.

thank YOU.

ready

to start anew.

holi festival.

i'm going.

realizations.

i have spent my time selfishly loving you, my God.

i adore you for my sake not for yours.

i want to love YOU for who YOU are.

rid me of my selfishness. teach me your ways. help me to love.

boy.

my heart skips

my stomach flips

my mind races

my cheeks blush

my blood rushes

my hands clam

my feet sweat

my knees weaken

my muscles tighten

my face brightens

my eyes smile

my soul screams

when i see you look at me.

reminisce.

somedays i wish i was 5, so

i could crawl on my daddy's lap and be enveloped in his selfless comfort.

decisions were made for me out of the best intentions.

my mother's smile would calm my deepest fears.

my dreams would never seem too far-fetched.

i could hold my brother's hand.

somedays i wish i was 5.

fear.

i am a creature of fear.

my heart cowers behind a stone wall of doubts.

they trap me, inhibit me, dominate me.

liberate me, ADONAI.

dear boy,

how can i miss someone i don't know? am i missing the idea of you? the idea that one day i'll have a boy of my own who loves, respects, cherishes me and my passions. is that so crazy of a thought? sometimes it feels that way. doubts pop into my mind begging me to believe that this dream of mine is outrageous. could it be the romantic in me arising to recreate the hundreds of happy endings i've seen? ariel, belle, jasmine and others dictated my dreams. but i don't want a prince charming. i couldn't live with a perfect boy. instead i want a real, loving, giving, joyful boy. a boy driven by passion and God's will. a boy to take my hand and stick by my side in the toughest and easiest times, pushing me to love and give more and more. a boy showing me God's love, teaching me to listen, forgiving my mistakes.

i know for the time being i will remain single. i am content. God is working in my heart. He is turning my disaster into a workable piece of art. just me and God. i am blessed by my family and friends who surround me. so for now i will continue this journey without you. i am confident one day we will find each other but i am in no rush.

boy, just take this time to meet God for yourself. do not worry about me wherever you are and i will not worry about you. i will be here praying for you, and from time to time i will silently miss you.

love.

your girl.

Dear God,

turn my mangled mess of a heart into a vessel,

overflowing with Your boundless love.

forever yours.

letters i never mail. number one.

i only met you for a brief while.

most of that time was spent observing your carefree laughter and strange antics.

we shared moments of awkwardness and witty comebacks.

i was captivated.

your soul spoke volumes for what could not be expressed in vocabulary.

i barely know you, but the instant we were introduced it was apparent:

your heart is beautiful.

hidden.

the timepiece rises in the east:
morning doves coo in the celebration of light.
those with love hidden by dark--become alert
of their soon final embrace.
searching thru the dew-covered moss,
hands find their perfect fit.
as their misty windows lock,

faint whispers of pledges are exchanged:

and lovers hands briefly part.

untitled.

the elegance of movement:

as you participate in nature's choreography.

(the wind your playful companion)

your dance perfected by the swirls.

what worries have you?

I long to soar beside,

to breathe your freedom-filled air,

to release.

oh majestic creature! invite me and my weariness.

bestow your serenity upon me.

carry me on your winged breast.

set my soul into a peaceful waltz.

me.

a lover.

a crier.

a listener.

a talker.

a creator.

a whiner.

a sister.

a fighter.

an observer.

a worrier.

a daughter.

a traveler.

a discoverer.

an introvert.

a truster.

a friend.

IMPERFECT.