ham and cheese stories.

She sat on the cliff’s edge, worried of the looming depths below. But that villain, fear, did not kidnap her in this moment. Just inches from her body sat the boy, the boy whose voice was a distant memory and yet a comforting guidepost. The soft warm green and white flannel gently clung to his body, matched by the worn through cobalt blue vans sneakers. They rested on a hand-woven Mexican blanket smelling of years of bonfires, s’mores, and laughter. During the anticipation, the boy spoke ham and cheese stories, the ones that have been tasted hundreds of times yet have never become musty or rotten. You might see these stories as simple, you might see this moment as simple, you might see this boy as simple. But this regular boy, with faded sneakers and outdated jeans, represented possibility, a beautiful possibility. She quickly smiled and shifted her gaze from his mystic blue gray eyes onto the displayed explosions of color and fire before them. She longed to be nowhere but here, for here was her textbook independence day.

remarkable.

the word so many have described my transformation from may till now. 4.5 months, can it really happen that fast? is it truly that noticeable? my Lord, you are the sole reason. you have not relented the pursuit of my heart. you are the sole reason i live, i love. i praise you Father. my heart is eternally yours. you are burning, burning, burning inside of me and i cannot contain it. i must share this indescribable love and mercy you poured over me. i hear/feel/taste the calling you are put on my heart. send me out.

rough drafted memories.

the small, orange flower barrette placed delicately but precisely in her long, espresso colored locks caught my eye immediately. this young girl of only ten years offered me the twin to her precious treasure. i proudly place this two-dollar barrette in my own dirty blonde hair. we try to smile through this realization--this is our goodbye. elephant-sized tears start to flood out of her deep chocolate eyes. in a split-second, she is in my arms. a crowbar could not separate us. as we embrace, i offer up the few feeble words of love and encouragement i can scramble to find. i feel protective, i feel motherly, i feel angry, i feel brokenhearted by the pain and abuse i know she has intensely felt and experienced. my heart longs to capture her out of this inexpressible danger and rescue her like the princess she is. our goodbye is ending and i am conscious of that terrible truth that this may very well be the last time we embrace. i strongly whisper my love to her in the last seconds. releasing her, i notice we are mirror images of each other--priceless orange barrettes and elephant tears worn with regal pride.

joy:

...the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure. through the midst of this strife and worry, i feel joy. brimming full, overflowing, pouring out of my pores. vampire weekend sings it well “here comes a feeling you thought you’d forgotten”. for years i let my knack for self-pity and depression control every move and thought. i couldn’t function or smile without guilt and shame. i longed to crawl into a corner and “cry tears like diamonds” (thanks passion pit). but He came. He stooped down to my little corner, pulled me onto His lap and cried with me. that’s how I knew. no one else had dragged themselves to my level. but He knew. and now I no longer crave that tiny, dark, invisible corner. I crave His living, breathing, loving, joyful, merciful lap. I crave Him.

can i just say

that i love you

a lot.

meditate

Luke 9:23-25

"then he said to them all: 'if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. for whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it. what good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?"

when i lose i find my identity.